Well, the word is out, thank goodness. I'm finally pregnant! And I know that when I say "finally" that what felt like an eternity for me, is only the beginning for some couple's stories. It took Ryan and I almost exactly one year to the day that I went off of birth control to finally see those beautiful pink lines on a pregnancy test.
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| We were too excited to even notice that the test was upside down for the picture. |
I know a lot of people won't care about the whole story, but I personally wish I would have heard more stories like this before we began trying for a little one. From almost everything I'd seen and heard, getting pregnant was easy. Everyone was doing it these days! It's really not that complicated, right? Until you have to explain it to a child... But back to my expectations. I figured it wouldn't happen right away so I planned that it would happen three months after I went off birth control.
On July 13, 2012 Ryan had his last class and he received his White Coat. As we
were walking away from the ceremony, and all the stress was finally over he said
he was ready. He always knew he couldn't even bear to think about it with
school in the way and he was right. The day it was done, he was ready. That
was the last day that I took birth control.
The timing was perfect! The plan was to get pregnant around October and have a summer baby after Ryan graduated. The first few months came and went and it was harder on me than I expected. Deep down I hoped that I would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant right away. October came and hopes were very high. This is the plan - October was the month! But again, nothing. It also didn't help that in one week I had 10 - yes TEN -
friends announce on Facebook they were pregnant. That was supposed to be ME.
Ryan was so incredibly supportive through all of this and just held me as I
cried. He also brought home what I called my "I'm-sorry-you're-not-pregnant"
flowers. Lucky for me (and him), I only cried on that one day that I found out and the rest of the
month I was mostly fine.
In the next few months my sadness turned to anger. Then, as I was in the Temple one month, the word "infertility" ran through my head over and over again. I knew that I had to stop being angry and figure out the problem. Although it had only been six months, after that prompting, I knew something was wrong. I bought some ovulation tests and began tracking to make sure the timing was right. Everything became very calculated and scheduled. It was stressing us out and we were incredibly frustrated by the whole process. I was getting angry again because as time went on, I realized I had no other plan. That is when I wrote
this post.
When my period started on my birthday (a week late), I had had enough. I called the fertility doctor the next day and set up an appointment. I didn't care that it hadn't been the year of trying that they recommend. I knew something was wrong and we were going to do our part to figure it out sooner rather than later. I was checked out and everything seemed to be fine on my end. Ryan, however, through the help of multiple doctors found out that the hormones in his body were all out of whack. This is where we were very grateful to be at Duke. He was able to see an endocrinologist that is one of the few in the country that specialize in exactly what he needed. She was able to get him started on medication that after it kicked in, impacted many areas of his life, not just fertility. (Remember all those sleeping pictures of Ryan?). In terms of fertility, they said it should start helping after 3-4 months. Well, he started taking his shots (yes, they are nasty scary self-inflicted shots) in April and lo and behold, three months later I got pregnant!
About a week after I ovulated in July, I started getting very intense and painful back spasms that lasted a week. After doing some research it could either have been from ovulating or a very early sign of pregnancy. At the end of the week, just a few days before Ryan had to take his PT boards, I found out I was pregnant. Despite my excitement, with his stress levels, I knew the good news would have to wait until the test was done. I was so anxious to get home from work that day! When I showed up, I brought him celebratory root beer for finishing his exam, but it had an extra little surprise on it. And boy, was he surprised!! And he was especially grateful that I told him AFTER he took the test. He immediately started stressing about having to provide for a wife and now a baby. But of course we are so excited (and terrified!). Like most first time parents, our days are filled with "Is this really happening?" and "What are we doing?" moments. But that's the fun of it, right?
Once we found out about the baby, life just took off at full-speed. I was working anywhere from 50-70 hours a week, Ryan passed boards and started his job and we moved into the house. Hence why I did not blog for awhile there! Thankfully, I can hardly complain about being pregnant. I was absolutely exhausted at the end of the day and suddenly had sympathy for Ryan's inability to stay awake. There was no morning sickness, just a lot of trips to the bathroom (but I also drink A LOT). Oh, and I was STARVING. I wanted to eat everything in sight! At about 11 weeks the tables turned and food got gross. Really my only aversion has been chicken. I've had a few bad experiences and I've made sure to stay away from it the past week or two. We will see what the rest of this pregnancy brings!
Like I said at the beginning, I know people have tried longer, had a miscarriage (or multiple) and have been through many more struggles than us in their journey to have children. But that's why I'm sharing my story! And I know not everyone is comfortable sharing. But we didn't mind telling others about it, we still don't, and I hope that it makes someone else feel just a little bit better about being angry or upset or sad that it's not going the way they "planned." I found the more I brought it up, there were a lot of women who had struggles as well. I needed their support. In a world (especially a church) surrounded by babies, it's just nice to know you're not alone.
